Why I Think Spiderman Plain Sucked

I saw Spiderman 3 on Saturday. It was crap. Here’s the things that bugged me most, without spoiling too much:

Osborne’s Butler

Harry Osborne’s butler had 3 lines in the movie.

  1. “You’re having guests?”
  2. “Yes, sir,” about three times.
  3. A long, close-up monologue about loving Harry and Norman (Harry’s dad), how he sees crazy things around the house from time to time, that he cleaned the wounds on Norman Osborne when he died (instead of calling the police, apparently), and that his expert homicide detective skills alerted him that the blade wound that killed Norman Osborne was the one Norman carried with him. I guess he didn’t feel compelled to tell Harry until after he tried to kill Peter out of revenge. Those writers need to be fired.

Being Bad-Ass Never Looked So Bad

At one point, Peter becomes “bad.”

  • 20 entire minutes were dedicated in watching Peter prance around town like an idiot, picking up on chicks and making dumb hip movements. I wanted to punch a director.
  • Apparently, being bad-ass gives you the ability to play the piano. And dance to smooth Jazz.
  • Chicks actually seemed to fall for it. Well, in the movie — the real life ones were laughing at the absurdity of his hip thrusts and lame new hairstyle.

Selective Grenade Destruction

As you’ve probably seen in the trailer, Peter Parker throws a grenade that explodes next to Harry Osborne’s face. 

  • Peter never once for a moment thinks, “Hey, did I just kill my best friend??” 
  • He isn’t surprised at all when Harry survives. In fact, he must have assumed it since he went to go talk to him later.
  • The wound is apparently healed overnight, minus a few scars. The hell?
  • The same grenade blows out a chunk from Sandman the size of a truck.

The Ending (no spoiler)

This will only make sense to those of you who saw the movie, but what made me the most mad was:

  • Spiderman leaps, and — hey, check it out — an American flag behind him! Totally CGI! Totally corny!
  • The villain is sooooo sorry. He even said it! Awww, and who can blame him for trying to kill people with a well-explained reason like that. Well, the important thing is to follow Aunt May’s advice and forgive him. Okay, you’re forgiven.
  • “WE LOVE SPIDEY. WE LOVE SPIDEY. WE LOVE SPIDEY. WE LOVE SPIDEY.” Is nobody afraid for their lives? Isn’t that a huge monster 100 feet from you? Why does everybody look like they’re at a New Years bash?
  • “Thanks, Spiderman. Welp, time to fly into the sunset. Cya later!” *FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH*

The director got carried away in this movie. They tried to emphasize way too much shitty “romance,” “patriotism,” and character “development.” I put it all in quotes because they failed at all of these points. Spiderman 1 and 2 had genuine plots. This one felt forced. It was as if they wrote the endings first and went backwards. It was as if they forced in the various plot elements after the script had already gone through its first draft in an dumb effort to appeal to a wider market.

I hate how Hollywood does that to good movie franchises — every time.