Why I Think Spiderman Plain Sucked

I saw Spiderman 3 on Saturday. It was crap. Here’s the things that bugged me most, without spoiling too much:

Osborne’s Butler

Harry Osborne’s butler had 3 lines in the movie.

  1. “You’re having guests?”
  2. “Yes, sir,” about three times.
  3. A long, close-up monologue about loving Harry and Norman (Harry’s dad), how he sees crazy things around the house from time to time, that he cleaned the wounds on Norman Osborne when he died (instead of calling the police, apparently), and that his expert homicide detective skills alerted him that the blade wound that killed Norman Osborne was the one Norman carried with him. I guess he didn’t feel compelled to tell Harry until after he tried to kill Peter out of revenge. Those writers need to be fired.

Being Bad-Ass Never Looked So Bad

At one point, Peter becomes “bad.”

  • 20 entire minutes were dedicated in watching Peter prance around town like an idiot, picking up on chicks and making dumb hip movements. I wanted to punch a director.
  • Apparently, being bad-ass gives you the ability to play the piano. And dance to smooth Jazz.
  • Chicks actually seemed to fall for it. Well, in the movie — the real life ones were laughing at the absurdity of his hip thrusts and lame new hairstyle.

Selective Grenade Destruction

As you’ve probably seen in the trailer, Peter Parker throws a grenade that explodes next to Harry Osborne’s face. 

  • Peter never once for a moment thinks, “Hey, did I just kill my best friend??” 
  • He isn’t surprised at all when Harry survives. In fact, he must have assumed it since he went to go talk to him later.
  • The wound is apparently healed overnight, minus a few scars. The hell?
  • The same grenade blows out a chunk from Sandman the size of a truck.

The Ending (no spoiler)

This will only make sense to those of you who saw the movie, but what made me the most mad was:

  • Spiderman leaps, and — hey, check it out — an American flag behind him! Totally CGI! Totally corny!
  • The villain is sooooo sorry. He even said it! Awww, and who can blame him for trying to kill people with a well-explained reason like that. Well, the important thing is to follow Aunt May’s advice and forgive him. Okay, you’re forgiven.
  • “WE LOVE SPIDEY. WE LOVE SPIDEY. WE LOVE SPIDEY. WE LOVE SPIDEY.” Is nobody afraid for their lives? Isn’t that a huge monster 100 feet from you? Why does everybody look like they’re at a New Years bash?
  • “Thanks, Spiderman. Welp, time to fly into the sunset. Cya later!” *FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH*

The director got carried away in this movie. They tried to emphasize way too much shitty “romance,” “patriotism,” and character “development.” I put it all in quotes because they failed at all of these points. Spiderman 1 and 2 had genuine plots. This one felt forced. It was as if they wrote the endings first and went backwards. It was as if they forced in the various plot elements after the script had already gone through its first draft in an dumb effort to appeal to a wider market.

I hate how Hollywood does that to good movie franchises — every time.

5 thoughts on “Why I Think Spiderman Plain Sucked”

  1. I’ve always hated the Spiderman movies. The 3rd being the worst so far.
    They try too hard to quote lines from the comic book, or at least I hope that’s what’s happening. I can’t think of an example but all of the “dramatic” scenes include at least one piece of script that sounds totally inhuman.
    A little imdb search gave me things like “[lamenting Otto’s experiment] Ruined… ruined… I have nothing left – except Spider-Man..”, said by Harry. Did anyone else almost throw up hearing someone say this? Nobody says that. It feels like most of the movies script is copy -> pasted from a comic, and not adjusted for the person playing the part.

  2. -I said half those things about the butler. LOL that guy was ridiculous.

    -I thought the “bad-ass” part was funny, which is what it was meant to be

    -You’re questioning his sudden ability to be able to play piano and dance…but not his sudden ability to be able to climb buildings and shoot webs out of his wrists?? Come on…you absolutely can NOT bring reality into that one. New suit = new abilities.

    -Harry’s skin heals quickly or something (one of his super qualities I suppose, just like Spiderman can be knocked into walls so hard the bricks break but not skip a beat). They address this in the beginning of the movie when MJ mentions how Harry has no scars after being injured. Thus the scars from the grenade healed quickly but not all the way b/c it was a bad explosion. But of course he was gonna surive, he has like, super powers. They could have explained that a bit more though….

    -Black suit = he doesn’t care if he just killed his best friend

    -The sandman obviously had no defenses, you saw how many times he broke apart due to simple crap like walking. He was purely an offensive enemy.

    -The American flag bit was pretty lame, hahahaha.

    -ALLLL of the Spiderman villains are conflicted characters. They want to do what’s right, but circumstances cause them to do the wrong thing. The sandman was done in a much too corny way though (unless it followed the comic? I’m not sure). And Aunt Mae is the eternal optimist who always does what is morally right. That is her character! Don’t make fun of her advice 😉 Aunt Mae rocks.

    -The bystanders were really naive in this movie, but bystanders always do dumb things in these kind of movies, that’s what they’re there for…plus it was humorous at times 🙂 I think it also showed that EVERYONE in the world, save MJ, blindly trusts that Spiderman will save them. But MJ apparently hasn’t gotten used to falling from 40 story buildings yet…I don’t think she ever does, either.

    -The very ending was really really wtf though…it just didn’t match the rest of the movie so it came out totally random and made no sense.

    -The romance stuff and all the character conflict/development with Peter, as far as I can remember, follows the cartoons fairly closely. Apparently it diverges from it some in this movie, but I can’t remember exactly how.

    -The best part of all the Spiderman movies, is how many women scream at the TOP of their lungs in each one, hahahahaha. I was watching #2 on Sunday and it is hilarious when you start paying attn. You could turn it into a drinking game or something, hahaha.

    -To conclude, I liked the movie 😉

  4. Well, I haven’t seen it yet, but I must take issue with the facts upon which you base your complaints: the producers and director have not changed since the first film. So “Hollywood” didn’t do anything to this franchise. Regardless of how it turned out, the blame rests solely on the film’s creators, Sam Raimi especially — who did indeed take a larger role in the writing this time out, according to imdb.

    Like it or not, it’s the same crew, the same man behind the helm. You can’t blame “hollywood” for this any more than you can for the Star Wars prequels.

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